?

Log in

Oct. 8th, 2004 @ 06:09 am *sigh* (and so Rob isn't the only one)
Quality of life: sicksick
Aural pleasure?: Whatsername - Green Day
Okay, I wrote this poem about a week ago because my class was really boring. Obviously it's not about the class but, yeah. I need feedback. Mostly on the repetition and such (is it bad or good?). Also, is the first stanza too unlike the rest of the poem? I was told it's visually interesting, true or no? Do the contractions seem inappropriate? The poem isn't all that good, but I really like the end, so I'm trying to fix it. And sorry about the lack of capital letters; I haven't figured out how I'm doing that yet. Thanks, in advance, cause I know you'll give me feedback. 0:)
_________________________

the doll asks “where?”
instead of “who?”
am i

i belong to you
so i'm defined
by you

i rely on your love
to give me peace
of mind

if i'm not with you
i am no one
at all

next to you
or in your arms
is me

away from you
and without you
is nothing

there is an us
and a you...
no me

please be with me
because, with you,
i am
_________________________

Oh, and feel free to suggest a title if you think of one. Thanks again! :)
About this Entry
taintedreverie:
[User Picture Icon]
From:neverendingdark
Date:October 8th, 2004 11:59 am (UTC)

good...yes...

(Permanent Link)
Thank you for contributing, first of all. I'm glad to see that someone else has spoken.

Ok, now for your poem. I like the deceptive simplicity of it, there aren't any really big words, but it's saying something very complex and beautiful. I like the repetition, and the contractions are working well. The only edit I can think of now that I'd suggest is that you take out the "please be with me because" in the final stanza. I think the poem may have a litte more power with a shorter, more terse final stanza. I could be wrong, but that's the impression that I get. Other than that, I can't think of any suggestions, but if I do, I'll let you know here. Overall, I like it very much, you have a very good start here. Read my previous poem and comment on it, please? That one was just a once through writing, so it does need editing, but I'm interested in what you think.
From:taintedreverie
Date:October 8th, 2004 06:44 pm (UTC)

Re: good...yes...

(Permanent Link)
That's a good idea, about the last stanza. I would never have thought of that. Should I take out or completely redo the first stanza or something?

I've been meaning to comment on your poem, but I kept getting distracted. I was going to do it last night but I realized that I'm not very coherent at 6 am. I'll do it now. :)
[User Picture Icon]
From:neverendingdark
Date:October 11th, 2004 03:27 am (UTC)

Re: good...yes...

(Permanent Link)
I can't really see anything that I would do to the first stanza, and I don't really know of anything else that I would do for the poem other than what I suggested...it works well, you've written something pretty darn nifty. If I can find them, I'm going to post some haiku that I wrote awhile ago, maybe even try my hand at a few more...haiku are always fun